Anyone who watched even so much of ten minutes of Sky One’s football based soap opera ‘Dream Team’ in the late 90′s/early 00′s will have immediately been exposed to one of the countless insane storylines that drove the show on through it’s ten seasons.


The plot twists and drama were such that if it was a real football club, every fan would have given up all hope in humanity and no player in the world would even consider pulling on the purple shirt of Harchester United. But it wasn’t a real club, so year after year the misery piled up and we loved every minute of it (well, most of it anyway).

Here are our favourite utterly ridiculous storylines from a truly insane TV show.

Club captain is shot by sniper while lifting FA Cup final.

Club captain Luis Amor Rodriguez was having an affair with Linda Block, wife of club chairman Jerry Block, as you do. When Jerry found out about this love triangle, he took the rational decision to have a sniper assassinate his club captain at the FA Cup final, again, as you do. Thankfully Rodriguez was only injured by the shot which hit his shoulder.

Abusive fan in stands at friendly game given chance to play, becomes Premier League star.

During a pre-season friendly between Harchester United and Southend United, Jason Porter (a fan who worked in a local tyre bay) was unrelenting in his abuse of the Harchester players. Feeling he was a smart arse, The Dragons manager decided to let Porter have a go up front, where he scored the winning goal and was then signed to the club after a media frenzy. “Tyre-boy” struggled with life as a Premier League footballer, but lived the dream of every fan.

Plane crash after UEFA Cup match kills several first team players.

Following a historic first win in Europe for The Dragons, Harchester suffered the first of it’s many transport tragedies as numerous first team players were killed when the return flight crashed. To make matters worse, the plane wasn’t official club transport so was uninsured. Disaster.

Goalkeeper in gambling debt holds entire team hostage before being killed by swat team.

England international goalkeeper Jamie Parker lost the run of himself at the end of a bad campaign for Harchester, and in fact agreed to throw a match which would see United relegated. Instead, Parker made one last desperate attempt to get out of a bad situation, by instigating a far worse situation. Parker brought a gun to the stadium and held the entire first team and coaching staff hostage, before a swat team moved in for the kill just when redemption seemed a possibility.

Three Everton fans win the ownership of the club in a raffle.

When the then current owner of Harchester United decided the pressure of owning a Premier League club was too much, he did the only logical thing someone in that position would do, give the club away in a raffle. The club was supposed to be given to a Dragons fan, however, three Everton fans who lived in a caravan were, lets just say occupying seats they were not supposed to, and were entitled to run the club.

First team players killed in bus crash en route to UEFA Cup Final.

After making history by reaching the UEFA Cup Final, a number of key players were killed when the team coach crashed on the way to Amsterdam. May those great Dragons rest in peace.

Manager murders star player by impaling him on dressing room peg.

Manager Don Barker was a right bastard. He raped a player’s wife, fixed numerous matches, and killed Carl Fletcher, THE legend of Harchester United. Fletcher and Barker had the classic argument between star player and gaffer, over wrongfully poisoning the player’s girlfriend instead of one of his team-mates, and on the eve of the Play-Off final, a dressing room row resulted in Fletcher skull being impaled on a clothes peg. Ouch.

Midfielder commits suicide by jumping off roof of stadium during match.

Talented midfielder Clyde Connelly was going through a terrible time when he feel out with the new manager, and eventually spiralled into despression. Ignored by his team-mates, enough was enough for Connelly, and after playing the game of his life and helping Harchester progress to the knockout stages of the Champions League, he was substituted to a standing ovation. Instead of returning to the dressing room, he climbed to the roof of the stadium and jumped off, killing himself and no doubt traumatising every fan who was at the stadium.

Club pays Italian fans to incite racist abuse in attempt to fix Champions League match.

Evil bastard Don Barker was again up to his old tricks. In desperate need of a win away to Lazio, then Championship side Harchester United faced an impossible task. The plan was to bribe Lazio ultras to racially abuse a black youth-team goalkeeper who was bullied into playing along and pretending to get hit in the eye with a coin. The plot unravelled and Barker was eventually shown the door.

Former manager suicide bombs team bus in Millenium Stadium car park.

millenium stadium
After Barker was given the boot at The Dragons Lair, he didn’t react to well. The day after murdering club legend Car Fletcher, Barker showed up to the Play-Off final with the former star in the boot of his car, along with a load of explosives, because why not? When the dead-man was discovered in his boot, Don Barker took his anger out by driving his explosive riddled car into the victorious Harchester United team bus, killing everyone on board.

So there you have the most bizarre plot twists and storylines in a totally bamboozling TV show.

Thanks to @HarchesterUtdFC on twitter and Harchester United on Facebook for the pictures.

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